Lately I have been thinking about how vital it is that I convey to my children how important they are to me. In our busy lives with so much to accomplish, simple acts of showing our children they matter can get lost in the shuffle. We know we love our children, but sometimes we forget to express it.
As Dr. Neufeld explains in his Power to Parent DVD series, around four years old, children begin to realize Mommy and Daddy hold close what they hold dear. Feeling significant, mattering, being valued by those they are attached to becomes of the utmost importance to children. Thinking back on my childhood, I know I was special to my father when he’d unexpectedly tickle me, telling me he was going to put salt and pepper on me and eat me all up! I’d giggle and feel loved. Out of the blue, my mother would hug me and say, “I haven’t seen you all day!” even though I had been right under her feet as she did the housework. As a teen, the invitation to spend time with them was always there. These messages made me feel valued. I’m sure my parents weren’t conscious of the impact they had on me; they were just delighting in me being their child. But they endeared me to them; they made me want to stay close to them and do right by them. Those moments felt like free gifts – I didn’t need to achieve anything or work for their love; they showed their affection simply because of who I was, not for what I did. A child can rest in our love when they don’t feel they have to measure up, they can just be and are completely accepted for who they are. Developmentalist Carl Roger’s calls this unconditional positive regard. It is critical for healthy development of a child
According to research, the best way to deepen attachment is to convey warmth, enjoyment, and delight to be in our kid’s presence. Spending one-on-one time with each of our children is a great way to show them how special they are. Often we tend to believe the whole family should share activities together. Although this can be very nourishing to its members, my clients often report the family dynamics can cause more division than attachment. I encourage them to find special activities or one-on-on time that one parent and the child share. This is especially important when a parent is trying to restore a relationship that has become strained or when challenging behaviour is an issue.
As parents we will never create the perfect family. But we can become more conscious of our interactions with our children. That twinkle in our eye, our face lighting up when our child walks in the room, the warmth in our tone as we greet them, enjoying a moment or sharing a joke together… these gestures tell them they matter to us. Each child needs to know that we think we are the luckiest parent in the world to be blessed with the very child we always wanted.
It is clear to me when I watch many popular programs geared to the adolescent population that there is a definite absence of parent in the lives of the characters. In some of the more popular programs, the teens are placed in boarding schools or the parents have either died or had to travel far away for work, writing an ‘acceptable’ story line to account for kids navigating their everyday lives with little adult involvement.
Even further, the adults who are part of many of these programs, be it as parent, principal or teacher, are often portrayed as irritating, nagging, ridiculous, blundering, and hopelessly out of touch with what the teen characters really need.
These themes bother me on many levels. As a Child & Youth Counsellor, I know the vital importance of rich, meaningful, daily adult involvement in the lives of our teens. I know the vital importance of routines, grounding teenagers everyday by checking-in, giving them our time and patience, eating with them, talking with them about their growing sense of the world and how they think about it. I understand the vital importance of their having access to mature perspective as they navigate their day, often filled with high drama, social confusions, and immaturity in perspective [and naturally so!].
As a Child & Youth Counsellor, I also understand the impact of parents backing away from their adolescent child to begin pursuing their own lives, or perhaps thinking their teenager can now make their own supper, take care of themselves after school, manage their own schedule and social calendar, handle their own stress and fill their own time. I also see the impact of parents who ‘give-up’ when an adolescent begins to exert a growing sense of push. The teenager can be prickly and hard to get along with. A parent might decide they aren’t going to bother trying anymore in order to avoid conflict altogether, instead of responding to what does and doesn’t work in the relationship.
One of the true dangers in how we approach our adolescent children is abandoning the parenting and guidance role prematurely; the teenager is marooned at a time when rich attachment is just as important as it ever was. It may seem, within the day-to-day tensions that inevitably erupt in this place of development, that the adolescent neither wants nor needs anchored attachment to parents and significant adults, but nothing could be further from the truth. If the teenager lacks meaningful, warm, responsive, involved, consistent, daily adult mentorship, chances become very good they will move to seek emotional support and influence about how life works from… other teens.
The phenomena of ‘peer orientation,’ as described by Dr. Gordon Neufeld in his groundbreaking book Hold On To Your Kids, can take our adolescents far outside a natural path of supported maturation into self, and deep into the realm of what has unfortunately become problematic in our society: orientation to peer group, peer group conformity, stuckness in immaturity, and teenagers who are increasingly difficult to mentor, guide, teach, and parent.
“All work and no play make Jack a very dull boy”
What is the role of play in children’s lives and why would we want to make room for it? Play is often seen as free time that is spent without care and work. They formed some of my happiest memories as a child and I can still see my swing-set that took me on journeys beyond my backyard. Moments spent in play are a luxury and are only present when the relational needs of the child are being met. These times are critical for brain development as it is where children form neural networks that are involved in problem solving and creativity. Children who lack environments that foster play actually have brains that are 20 to 30% less developed in capacity. Play is not empty time; it is how children build the brains that are required for work and learning.
All play is not created equal; it’s not about the toys, the stimulation, and the entertainment. The type of play that their brains need is where the energy is coming from within the child to construct, build, create, and so on. This type of play is called emergent play and in this state you see curiosity, imagination, and sense of discovery in full action. My husband will often groan in coming home from work to find the bathroom transformed into a swimming pool for dolls, craft sparkles that defy capture from one end of the house to the other, and an overall mess created from hours of play. I remind him that it is not a mess but the imaginings of the teacher, designer, and scientist that lurks within them. It is hard to convey the look that I get in return but the force of their play continues to outmatch his need to walk on a clean floor.
Emergent play does not typically unfold from activities with a lot of structure and rules, as this tends to confine and take the lead in terms of play. This is not to suggest that we stop these activities but it does mean that we need to stay cognizant that structured play activities are not equal to free play. In grade one my daughter informed her gym teacher that she wasn’t interested in joining his running club because she simply had enough activities and just wanted to play. I am sure her response provided him with an all-new meaning to getting out of gym class.
Children who have a lot of stimulation from the TV or computer may report being bored away from these sources because their emergent play and energy has been stifled, subdued, or overpowered. For these golden play times to emerge we need to do our part and ensure their relational needs are taken care of, provide the necessary materials, and a space free of stimulation. When these conditions are met, we can sit back and watch their imaginings take hold. We can be rest assured that it is not just child’s play; it is creating the brains that will solve the problems of tomorrow.
Fall has arrived. School is in. It’s possible your child might not be happy about it. For many parents it may be a time when young children have difficulty separating. A child is crying and clinging at the classroom door, unable to make the transition from home to school.
We often make the mistake of seeing children as small adults and become frustrated at what seems like the easy task of spending a day at school. But when you are young, it isn’t so easy. So often in my private practice, I help parents distinguish between what is frustrating and inconvenient for them but may be normal for their child.
What is a parent to do? There is a lot you can do to help them make this transition. Your child has been separated from you for several hours during sleep and now there is that short amount of time before they will be separating from you again to be in school all day. Connecting with your child during this time is key and can make all the difference. With all that has to happen to get out the door on time, this may seem like a difficult task. It need not take long however and the benefits can be profound.
Greet your child first in the morning. Let them know how delighted you are to see them, how you checked on them in the night. Cuddle them or ruffle their hair, take a few moments to let them know how special they are to you. And most challenging of all, preserve the connection even when you’ve already told them 3 times to get their socks and shoes on. I recall a morning not long ago when I was frustrated and grouchy. My daughter said to me … “Mommy, it’s hard to leave you for the day when we’re not friends.”
Also key in this transition phase is what Dr. Gordon Neufeld calls “bridging the divide” as he talks about in The Vital Connection, the first of his parenting video series. When it is time to say goodbye, let your child know how much you are looking forward to seeing them at the end of the day. Talk about the cookies you are planning to bake with them later, the story you look forward to reading them at bedtime. This helps them hang on to you and puts the focus on the return rather than the separation.
Giving your child something they can hold on to can also help; a locket, note, or something of yours. A wonderful book to pick up is The Invisible String by Patrice Karst. It talks about the heart connection we all hold with those we love, even when we can’t be with them physically. I read this to my daughter 2 years ago and as a ritual, we still run an invisible string from my heart to hers every time we part for the day.
Connecting in the morning, focusing on uniting again, and giving your kids something to hold onto during the day can go along way to strengthening attachment and decreasing separation alarm.
With a tummy ache, and trying not to disturb the household at 2:30 am, my daughter paced the halls of our home last night in anticipation of her first day in a new school. I noticed the lights were turned on, and I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I went to her, and I held her, and she shook and cried, and talked about her fears. What if nobody liked her, what if her teacher didn’t invite her to exist, what if they wanted her out of the school?
As I held her in her tears, not taking away what worried her, but acknowledging her experience as a real one, I wondered how many other children were experiencing the same feelings. We send our children to school in September with the anticipation that they will be loved and safe, with the hope that whoever ends up teaching them will have a sense of regard for them and see them with possibility.
I asked my student teachers this morning to think about the most memorable and special year when they were growing up, and then helped them to tease away at the role of their adults in making this memory.
Here are some of the elements that they identified as they reflected on the elements of their teachers that had helped them to feel safe and successful:
The teacher…
I. demonstrated genuineness by
A. not being afraid to have fun
B. showing vulnerability
C. being real with their students
II. demonstrated unconditional positive regard by
A. being attentive to the child
B. demonstrating caring
C. being in tune with the needs of the child
D. providing time outside of the classroom (or offering generosity of time and being together)
III. created a safe environment
A. that was respectful
B. where the teacher acted as a model and took the lead
C. where variety and differences were valued
D. where mistakes were considered a learning opportunity
E. where the adult was approachable
F. where no questions were rejected or shunned
G. where the child was more important than rules and routines
IV. fostered an atmosphere of belief in the child by
A. setting high expectations
B. protecting the child
C. not giving up on the child when he/she was struggling
D. supporting the child in his/her struggles
It struck me as I was contemplating this list, that what these teachers were doing was making it safe and easy for their students to attach to them. What my student-teachers were remembering is something about their favorite teachers, but the success they experienced that memorable year had to do with the relationship they had developed with the teacher. This is the invisible part of the learning equation, one that is rarely put into words and thus rarely enters our consciousness. Yet as Dr. Neufeld describes in his Teachability courses, this is by far the most important factor in the learning equation.
How I hope and wish for this invitation to relationship to be felt by my daughter as she enters this new school today. How I wish this for all the children who are going back to school this week!
As the “Back to School” ads fill the flyers, and fall is in the air, parents and teachers are preparing for the new school year.
Many teachers are already spending time preparing for the year ahead with their students. Trips are being made to the Teacher Store to find new and interesting items. Bookstores are being scoured for just the right ones that will engage the students and bulletin boards are being set up to make the classroom more appealing.
As a parent, you are wondering, “How will my child do this year?“ “ Will he be accepted by the children in his class?” and, more importantly, you are likely asking, “Will she like her teacher?” and “Will his teacher like him?” Intuitively, you know that the relationship between your child and his teacher is key to a successful school year. And yet, we often leave this relationship to chance or take it for granted that good intentions will make it work.
In fact, there is nothing more significant than this relationship for a child’s learning and growth. Children flourish when parents and the school staff work together.
So how can we help get this important relationship off to a good start?” The first step actually happens between the adults. While it might be tempting to instruct your child to “Listen to your teacher.” Or, “I want you to be good for your teacher,” in actual fact, if we understand the nature of the attachment dynamic, it is up to us as the adults to ensure that our children take a liking to their teacher. And we do this best by speaking positively about the teacher and letting our child know that we believe that the teacher is on “our team.”
In our busy world, it is a definite challenge for parents and teachers to develop this necessary relationship. In my role as school psychologist and behaviour consultant, I encourage teachers to find ways to communicate with parents and students before the school year starts. It could be via a post card or a quick phone-call home that would serve as an introduction about themselves and to let the parents and child know that they anticipating the connection.
In the case of a child who in the past has had difficulty adjusting to the school setting, I urge meetings before school starts so that parents and staff can get to know each other. Most teachers whom I know, appreciate it when parents share with them an understanding of their child’s needs. Sometimes the student and teacher need to meet outside the hustle and bustle of the first days of school in order to get to know each other. Short periods of one-on-one time can go a long way both in terms of building a relationship and also for helping a student to really learn basic classroom routines.
September “Open House” events are another great time to build relationships. Teachers are so appreciative when parents attend. After hearing from the teacher about her expectations, if you sense that adjustments need to be made for your child, do not hesitate to contact the school to set up a meeting.
I encourage parents and teachers to take a moment to think of the child as an individual, who is growing and developing in the warmth of their caring and to work together to create the conditions that promote this growth.
I wish you and your children a wonderful 2010-2011 school year!
I am pleased to announce the launching of this editorial feature to our website. What pleases me most however is to have such a wonderful group of people who have studied with me through the years, be willing to share this responsibility with me. Together we hope to give those many individuals who have been asking for ‘more’, some windows into this attachment-based developmental approach to making sense of children. Our plans are for weekly postings, each designed to give some peek into the paradigm or its many-faceted implications. The offerings will be diverse: reflections, opinion pieces, responses to questions or letters, comments on issues in the news, relevant research with commentary, book reviews, and more.
We hope these postings will be of service to the many parents and teachers and helping professionals who wish to make sense of the children in their care and who yearn for their charges to become all they were meant to be.