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Our guest contributor for this editorial is Sara Easterly from Seattle, Washington. She has taken a number of courses through the Neufeld Institute and we are pleased to have received this submission from her. A brief bio for Sara is included at the end of the editorial.

In the last month there’s been an intense amount of media scrutiny on parenting. Early in May, Elisabeth Badinter released her latest book, The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women. Shortly thereafter, Time magazine ran a cover story “Are You Mom Enough?” – the attention-grabbing headline flanking an equally attention-grabbing image of a mother breastfeeding her three-year-old son.

In both cases, the media energy turned frenetic, with other major news outlets clamoring to chime in with their fresh take on the story, newspapers churning out editorials, mom bloggers in uproar, and comedians having a heyday.

Last year a similar media frenzy ensued when Amy Chua released Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

As a new mom to two daughters, I can’t help ponder why parenting, particularly motherhood, is pressing such hot societal buttons right now.

I’ve come to think that part of the problem is our human nature – the tendency to divide into good and bad, right and wrong. It also seems partly due to the viral nature of the news media in this digital age.

The other significant piece, I believe, is that when it comes to parenting, we’ve lost our confidence.

There’s a lot of judgment heaped on parents overall. Everyone seems compelled to dole out uninvited opinions whenever children are involved – from friends to family members to total strangers.

Every time I fly with my children, I find myself in a state of alarm. On a recent five-hour flight, my two-year-old spent four-and-a-half hours joyfully looking at books, playing with toys, and happily chatting… followed by nine (highly uncomfortable) minutes of loud crying, kicking, and screaming when forced to be buckled into her seat at the start of our descent.

After the plane had parked at the gate and we all stood in that awkward stillness and quiet while everyone waited for the de-boarding process to begin, one woman several rows ahead of us pointed at me and loudly announced, “You’ve got a real screamer there.” Nobody breathed a word while the woman waited for my response. Her index finger remained pointed, ready for battle. The awkward silence as all the other passengers stared at me, too, made me feel as if they concurred.

If it hadn’t been for one woman who later whispered, “I thought she did great!” I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to pull my mind out of the shameful place it was headed, asking, several months before Time ran its cover story, whether I was mom enough. Either way, in that moment I felt an almost desperate need for outside validation.

I could go on with dozens of similar examples in my short career as a parent. The point is that our parenting confidence is already tender thanks to pervasive societal judgment. So media frenzies added into the mix only chip away at that already fragile place, leaving us searching outside ourselves for the answers, never fully trusting ourselves in knowing what’s in our child’s best interests. We’ve bought into the fact that our approach to parenting must fit in, or that our children should act in socially appropriate ways right out of the Baby Björn carrier. Our lack of confidence is creating a market for this kind of media hype.

Since I sought out the Neufeld Institute material two years ago, my parenting confidence has been building. Mind you, I was initially drawn to the material looking for specific answers to very specific struggles. What I found, though, was so much richer than that. I learned the vocabulary to bring various developmental dynamics to consciousness, and I’ve been provided with a map for how to help children reach their full developmental potential.

It sounds lofty, yes, but thanks to my understanding, now, of the conditions children need to truly grow up and mature, for the most part I’m able to turn off those nasty, nagging worries about what I’m doing wrong that’s turning my two-year-old into a “real screamer,” and instead focus on the big picture: how I can provide a safe, deep attachment to help grow my children into resilient, soft-hearted, independent people.

For me, it really comes down to parenting with confidence – believing that I’m big enough, mom enough, and my children’s answer. This confidence comes from within. It’s intuition-based – not expert-based, not technique-based, not learning-based, and definitely not media-based.

During his keynote address at last month’s Neufeld Institute Parent Conference, Dr. Gordon Neufeld said, “What children need is for us to resume our rightful role in our their lives, to believe that we are their best bet. If we believe it, then we’ll become that. But it must start from a place of presentation, from believing in ourselves as the child’s best bet.”

I love this reminder, which came at exactly the right time – just days before the most recent blast on parenting in the media. And it’s so very true. Parents aren’t in need of the right answer. Parents are the answer.

Sara Easterly
Sara Easterly is a children’s writer and a mom dedicated to helping her children reach their full developmental potential. She first stumbled upon the Neufeld material through a presentation given by a Neufeld faculty member while looking for a quick fix to some sibling-related aggression. She didn’t get a quick fix at all. Instead, her eyes were opened to a wealth of information that felt natural and intuitive and right — and so much more than the minutia of what is best described as cow-tipping, only with a newly sitting baby. Now, her eyes are set on helping her two daughters reach their full developmental potential by providing them with a safe and secure attachment and the conditions they need to mature.

A children’s book aficionado, Sara seeks out almost any opportunity to surround herself in literature. As an author publicist running her own business, she’s handled publicity for authors such as Newbery Honor Medalist Kirby Larson and New York Times bestselling author R.A. Salvatore. As former regional advisor for the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) of Western Washington, she led one of the largest chapters of the international organization and was recognized as 2009 SCBWI Member of the Year. As a writer, she’s published multiple articles and her first published book for children, Lights, Camera, Fashion garnered an Oppenheim Toy Portfolio Gold Seal Award and 2007 Parents’ Choice Silver Honor. And as someone deeply passionate about the intersection of children’s literature and the Neufeld Institute material, Sara reviews kids’ books that help deepen the bonds between parents and their children on her blog, Book Bonding, which can be found at http://bookbonding.posterous.com.

    There are many places in my life where my patience is tested and I am offered yet another opportunity to stretch towards maturity. This is definitely the case when dealing with the daily tensions between my children. They remind me of playful and rambunctious pups always ready to jump, leap, and attack! Playfulness can turn to frustration quickly and then sometimes within seconds, they get past the screaming-and-shoving match and move on to the next thing, buddy-buddy once again.

    Parents can become so involved in the inevitable tensions of their children. Who did what to whom? Who started it? Who threw the first punch? And then a parent might take a stand in judgement or consequence, perhaps saying  such things as: You shouldn’t have done that! You were mean to your sister! You never give your brother a chance! Or perhaps: You are grounded! No TV tonight!

    Parents can easily exhaust themselves in trying to convince their children to face each other, work together, take ownership, right the wrongs, and come to some agreement.

    And of course, each child wants his or her upset recognized, believed and validated, particularly if it seems a parent is favouring one version of the story over another. A child will vie extra hard for the parent to take their side and understand their position, perhaps feeling terribly hurt and resentful if the parent doesn’t. These can be difficult moments inside the individual parent-child relationship when a child walks away (or is sent away) feeling misunderstood and disregarded.

    I learned early on that sorting through details, trying to figure out who did what, is simply not the best expenditure of my energy in these moments. This is where I have found my stretch towards maturity to be so necessary: to realize that when faced with sibling tension, my role is to see the struggle of both my children regardless of who did what.

    When we strive to recognize the upset of each child, hear each child, validate each child, and seek to come alongside without judgement or criticism, we can let go of the feeling of having to investigate or take a side. Honouring and protecting my attachment to each of my children when they are spitting mad at each other allows me to simply move in, collect them, calm things, and have them orient towards me. These moments become about slowing things down, helping them deal with the heat of their intense frustrations, and giving them space to work-through their upset.

    Depending on the level of heat and how triggered they are by each other (and on how triggered I am!), I will provide them space either together or separately. My first priority is simply to move into the situation, collect their attention, and have them disengage with each other. This isn’t always easy. When they were younger, I was most  often successful with distraction (Hey guys! Look outside at the sunshine! How about some basketball to change the mood?). Now that they are older I reflect their intensity (Wow you two! Things are loud, words are sharp, and  I’m seeing hits. I’m thinking things are too frustrating right now and you both need a break from each other). These actions help to simply diffuse the situation and have them re-orient.

    Do I want to discuss and dissect in great detail who started it and who did what to whom at this point? Not unless I want a headache as they attempt to pull me into their separate corners of the boxing ring! It is such a relief to be able to let go of having to sort-out details. Instead I support them both by helping them to slow down and to find their way back to each other eventually, once things are calmer. Certainly I will address things with each child if I see that there is something that needs to be addressed, such as hits and kicks, or hurtful words. But most often I do this later after the storm has passed, in the calmer moments of the one-to-one, and always when I feel I’ve got a child who is soft, receptive, and listening.

    I have come to the realization that it is far more meaningful to provide my grounded presence, acceptance, and support on the sidelines. I let go of trying to solve things and trust that the details will take care of  themselves as my children grow and mature. For me, it ultimately becomes about ensuring that I seek to understand both the one who threw the first punch as well as the one who threw the second, staying outside of details and instead, staying inside relationships.

When my beautiful son entered this world, like many parents, I had a belief that if I just loved him and was a good parent, everything else would fall into place – like baking a cake right? It didn’t take long to realize the universe had other plans for me and I had some learning to do. You see, my son came into this world a very sensitive being.  Sensitivity can manifest in many ways and present differently in children. Many sensitive children experience tactile sensitivity – their clothes are itchy, tags need to be cut off, socks and underwear pose great problems. A child may have an auditory sensitivity. I had to warn my infant son every time I turned on the blender or vacuum cleaner to avoid him breaking into a wail. His sense of smell was heightened and even rice cooking in the kitchen would send him gasping for air. Some kids are ‘super-tasters’ and experience the taste and texture of certain foods as too intense. This makes their range of good food choices very narrow. For other children visual stimulation can be overwhelming. Transitions can also be very difficult and too much stimulation is exhausting often resulting in irritable behavior. One of the most common manifestations of sensitivity is that these children feel very deeply, and their feelings are easily hurt. A certain tone of voice can seem very harsh to them. So many times I have heard parents of a sensitive child tell me their child claims they are “yelling at him” when the parent only had a bit of impatience in their voice.

Dr. Neufeld describes sensitive children as having heightened sensory receptiveness, making them more easily affected by sensory stimulation than other children. These children are intense and often very bright and/or creative. They are also prone to their brain having to protect them since they don’t have ‘the skin’ that others do to cope with their world. Frustration and alarm are two primary emotions that sensitive children often experience. Because they are greatly affected by their world, they are more susceptible to their brain erecting defenses to shield them against feeling too overwhelmed.

The greatest gift we can give our sensitive children is to make sense of them from the inside out. During my son’s early years there were many times I needed to protect him from overwhelming situations that other children seemed to be able to handle. Well-meaning friends would warn my husband and me not to over-protect yet is was so clear that we were providing the protection he needed for his brain to relax. From all my years of being an educator, I knew that children learn and thrive when they are secure and their anxiety is lowered. This is what we endeavored to do to help our son grow and mature.

Many parents of sensitive children have learned that too much exposure to overwhelming situations is not a good thing. They also confess they have felt very judged and their child misunderstood. As parents we need to protect our sensitive children from that which would overwhelm and erect too many defenses in the brain. They need those defenses at times, – to shut out the noise, to stop feeling the intense emotions, to cope with their world. But at some point, when they are in the safe haven of our care, those defenses need to come down and their hearts need to remain soft so they can feel and grieve and love and care. When the defenses are evoked too often for too long, the brain will become chronically defended and the child will start to harden up. Feelings are lost, attention suffers and sadly sometimes the child will defend against attaching to the adults who were meant to take care of them. When the heart becomes too wounded the brain will take care of the child by building up a wall but emotional growth comes to a halt. As parents of sensitive children, the more we can understand the importance of protecting our children from overwhelming situations, the more we can protect their hearts and soften their defenses, the more they can feel safe and flourish.

This is not to say we need to jump in and fix everything for them, spoiling their opportunity to experience a bit of a challenge and denying them an opportunity to become resilient. As parents we need to be in charge, set limits and nudge when appropriate for them to find their courage to try something new. Our challenge is to protect when necessary and at times help them to adapt to situations they must face or cannot control. All the little losses, disappointments and sadness need to be felt. Tears need to be shed in loving arms. Through their attachment to us, through our insight, warmth and patience, we can protect the hearts of our sensitive children so that their beautiful gifts can be shared with the world. These children have the capacity for great caring, compassion, and empathy as long as their hearts can be protected and remain soft. Although the world can seem too much for them, we can be their best bet in seeing their potential, believing in their capacity to handle things, and knowing when to protect them from experiences that are too much to bear. Educating ourselves and using our intuition to guide us are essential for parenting our children.

We were having dinner with friends when I noticed how one of the toddlers, unsettled and whiny, settled down contentedly in the arms of his grandmother. This seemed magical to the adults who were watching, but when you recognize the collecting dance, you can understand how this magic works.

The collecting dance is an ancient dance of all cultures, connecting us with those we care about. We have always known it intuitively, never needing to be conscious of it – until now, that is.

This dance is a ritual that is part of the social graces of society. We intuitively connect with people by waiting for an invitation to exist in their presence and extending this same invitation in return. The first step begins with moving into a person’s space in a friendly way. Our intuition lets us know if we are being invited to come closer. Our next step is to collect this person’s eyes, and then we smile. When we receive a smile in return, we exchange courtesies that bring us both to nodding our heads in agreement. We now continue the dance by giving a touch of proximity, conveying the warmth we feel towards this person and the pleasure that comes with being in this person’s presence. The deep attachment instincts that exist in all of us are now engaged.

It is important to bring this dance to consciousness with regard to our children. We need to collect them through this dance many times throughout the day. We cannot guide, instruct, influence or take care of them without this dance. Long work hours and the demands of many responsibilities often distract us from collecting our children and keeping them close. Just as the quarks of the atom rush to attach to other quarks when they are separated from each other, so too, children rush to attach to friends, cellphones and ipods which compete with parents. If these competing attachments were helping our children grow up, they would not be so dangerous. But they are pulling children out of orbit with their parents, depriving them of the close, warm relationships which are so necessary for healthy maturation.

When we trust our children to other caregivers, we must make sure they know this dance. The daycare worker, the teacher, the principal, the counselor, all need to know how to collect our children. If we could implement one change in our classrooms that would make a significant difference in the atmosphere of our schools and in our children’s ability to concentrate, learn and grow, it would be to make sure that the adults know the importance of collectiing students everyday. Only then will they be able to direct, guide and take care of them.

This is an essential key to helping children grow up. The brilliant theorist and developmentalist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, has given us the language and words to describe this dance, for only when we have the words can we bring these things to consciousness.

We have probably all heard the term ‘quality time’ in connection with parenting our children, for example: try to spend quality time with your child.

As a Child and Youth Counsellor, I have always felt a little nervous about this concept because I fear it has misleading implications. In our busy lives, where time is often at a premium, attempting to reserve or schedule what we perceive is going to be ‘quality time’ might seem like a great idea except for one thing: is our child accepting of our agenda?

I often speak with parents who feel overwhelmed and puzzled by a child who appears to seek their attention through what they feel are negative behaviors: But I take him to hockey, baseball and swimming! I don’t know what else I can reasonably do with him! I’m exhausted trying to keep-up!

Instead of attempting to increase the amount of scheduled quality time with a child, I propose something far more basic and fundamental: increase the quality of simple moments everyday whereby you slow down to connect with your child.

Parenting is not about what you do with your child, it is about who you are to your child [Neufeld].

Dr. Neufeld often discusses the importance of the simple energies of delight, enjoyment and warmth within the attachment space between parent and child. In what ways do I express delight in my children, enjoyment of them, and warmth in how I am with them? These are vital questions that I stop and ask myself every once and a while, especially when things feel stressed, negative or ‘out-of-sync’ in my family. These are the very qualities that I seek to bring into the daily space between my children and myself.

Stop, as you do the laundry, to sit on the floor for a few minutes of undivided attention with your children; smile or hug them spontaneously as you fix the car; sit with them and show interest as they surf the net; join them in coloring; ask them about their interests; touch them gently as you pass by to acknowledge you’re thinking about them; turn the radio up and dance a song together; give them a role in your important chore; play a three-minute chase-and-tickle game; go for a walk around the block together; play follow the leader for a few turns; plop on the couch beside them for a bit; join them in a video-game, bring them a nice warm cup of hot chocolate, help them to complete the chore they have been avoiding all day; turn supper into a picnic; light some candles at suppertime, watch a movie together, engage in belly laughs and fits of giggles with them… the list is endless.

Instead of spreading yourself thin to schedule chunks of ‘quality time’, you will be investing your energy in spreading important moments throughout the day whereby you simply connect with your child.

It never ceases to amaze me how sometimes, only after the fact and in reflection of something that already happened, I realize just how rich the moment was with my child. It hits me freshly in the aftermath that I never could have scheduled or planned the spontaneous “quality” of the interaction… I could only leave myself open to it’s possibility as I brought my delight, enjoyment and warmth into the space between myself and my child.   

Cats are the promise of domesticity without the intimacy. (Patricia Wilensky)

As a noun I think ‘home’ must annoy newcomers to the English language because of its multiple meanings – we use it interchangeably to refer to personal feelings towards someone, a geographical location or a tangible building.  It’s not hard to understand ‘home’ on a physical dimension, from the walls, roof, to the kitchen sink.  Phrases such as ‘home address,’ ‘home base,’ or ‘home row’ all point to the where can orient ourselves to and from. I am more interested and intrigued by the psychological sense of home that is found in human relationships. The feeling of having a home is key to understanding what it is our children and youth need from us and is one of the irreducible needs of every human being. As creatures of attachment it is from this sense of home that our story begins and ends.

The purpose of attachment is to facilitate dependence starting from falling in ‘like’ and then love, the sense of belonging and loyalty, as well as psychological intimacy. Attaching is the gluing process that binds us to one another and what serves to begin our dance together. Our relationship with our children is a dance where our best moves convey a strong caring lead that inspires them to follow us. Dancing when this dependency is present makes parenting easy but not frustration free. In taking the lead we invite the child to lean on us and to see us as their safe bet, a harbour from the storms. When all is well for a child you can tell ‘whom’ their home base is as they will make a bee-line for them when they are scared or hurt. Children even come with a ‘homing device’ that creates separation anxiety when apart from those they are attached to. These invisible feelings of home are created in the spaces between us and provide protection so that it never occurs to us to ‘run away from home.’

The act of comforting someone actually rests on feeling at home with them. Trying to comfort a child who doesn’t know you can create additional alarm and frustration despite good intentions. When one of my daughters was 4 she had a big temper tantrum (ok, she had many), and at the tail end of it started to soften and wailed that she wanted to go home. At first I was a little baffled as we were in our house but I intuitively reached out to comfort her and realized as she settled into her tears that I was her place of home. When we think of a ‘home’ in this psychological sense we associate it with a sense of rest where there is room to be just as you are, a place of retreat from chaos into the arms of someone who makes you feel safe. When we are lost it is home that we seek.

I think the hardest thing to contend with at this time of year when so many people are celebrating connection and heading ‘home for the holidays’ – is the feeling of not being at home in the attachments one has or feeling a void where we wished for more connection. I think this missing sense of ‘home’ is at the heart of what makes the holidays so distressing for too many people.  Sometimes there are separations that are unavoidable and where solace is found through sentiments such as “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.” Regardless of the reason for the lack of home it is actually one’s grief that promises rest here. When we become aware of what is missing or has been lost we can find our tears. In the wake of grief one can find renewal by surrounding oneself with those that truly invite and offer the type of relationship where there is safety, comfort, and rest. The beautiful thing is we can make ourselves at home in many places and with many different people – this is the freedom inherent in our human capacity for attachment.

Finally, while I am sure I have offended some cat lovers I confess to being one myself and hold steadfast to the idea that even cats need to have a place of home too.  They remind me of the need for generosity no matter what the behaviour or perceived ‘return’ may be. It is typical to hope for ‘Peace on Earth’ at Christmas but my wish this year is for every child, youth, man, woman and beast to have at least one attachment with whom they truly feel at home with.

“The light is what guides you home, the warmth is what keep you there.” Ellie Rodriguez