A very long time ago it seems, I gave a talk called Cultivating Caring Children. I loved that material. More recently I had the opportunity to keynote on empathy. Oh my goodness, I was taken by surprise by the rant that was in me. I decided at that time to create a course with empathy as the focus and the theme. A bit self-indulgent I suppose but I am also convinced it is needed. So here it is!
This Empathy course is my rant. It is reminder to the developmentalists-at-heart of how Nature works and how to come alongside its work. The empathy course confronts us with the futility of making empathy the focus, of pushing the river, of attempting to do the work of Nature instead of supporting Nature’s work. The Empathy course puts us in our place and redirects our focus to what will actually deliver the fruit we desire.
The Empathy course, more than any other I would think, would support the gardener in one. By this I mean, the developmentalist within us that knows that the realization of potential will happen if conditions are conducive. This is the opposite of the sculptor who assumes that desired behaviour will only happen if it is appropriately shaped. If you don’t mind being reminded every so often of how development unfolds when given a chance, then this course would be for you. Or alternatively, if you should want to introduce someone to the developmental approach, I can’t think of a more persuasive way into the material.
The construct of empathy reveals the trouble we are in. Children are losing their empathy at an alarming rate according to studies that extend over generations. Probably because we can’t take empathy for granted anymore, we are correspondingly preoccupied with making it the focus of our exhortations at home as well as in social learning programs at schools. The choruses we hear today of who cares … I don’t care … whatever… – are deeply unsettling. The spirit of meanness is palpable and especially concerning when it happens among friends and within the family. No wonder it has become our preoccupation, like self-esteem was before this, and being well-behaved was before that. We’re putting our proverbial carts before our horses.
The problem is that we can’t get there directly. Trying to make children nice produces neurosis, not empathy. Children who act as if they have empathy to gain approval, are heading towards narcissism, not sainthood. That is why I love this material so much. If it doesn’t make developmentalists of us, nothing will. It sends us back to the basics, to providing the safety and supporting the feelings that will grow our children up. It keeps me honest as a developmentalist, because I am as impatient as anyone.
It strikes me that empathy is really a tale of two emotional stories that are its prequels. The first is the story of caring. Caring is at the very heart of empathy. All children are born caring for, and about, what they are attached to. The tragedy is that feelings of caring can be lost if caring has set the stage for getting hurt too much or too often. Our dreadful habit of using what children care about to make them behave has certainly been part of caring’s undoing. If caring is lost, empathy will never result no matter what the program is or how diligent the parental efforts. It isn’t enough to act AS IF one cares, one must truly care for empathy to result. The truth of the matter is that caring cannot be taught. Oh yes, one can teach a child HOW to care, but not TO care. The good news is that caring can be restored, but this is a matter of healing, not learning. I talk about this in the course.
The second story is about being able to consider another person at the same time as oneself. No child is born with this ability; it requires a significant development that will only happen if conditions are conducive. It is the very essence of emotional maturity. Many children will begin to develop this capacity spontaneously between the ages of five and seven, if and only if there is sufficient developmental readiness to support this. Pushing for this to happen prematurely will sabotage the very maturing processes that are responsible for making it happen. There is nothing worse then emphasizing form over spirit as the resulting form can crush the spirit.
It is the merging of these two prequels that sets the stage for our precious empathy to emerge and its incredible story to begin. To push for empathy prematurely or to pursue empathy directly are sins against development. We would be wise to be reminded of these all-too-common temptations.
This material brought me back to my knees once again, just in time for taking part in the raising of a new granddaughter (the seventh grandchild if you’re counting). I have never seen such profound caring and she is only a toddler. I must remember that Nature has a plan to ripen that caring into the most treasured fruit of empathy when the time is ready. In the meantime, I can treasure that beautiful heart of hers that cares so intensely and so vulnerably.
Editor’s note: For the first time, we’re offering The Natural Roots of Empathy in our online course format. You’ll receive access to 5+ hours of Dr. Neufeld’s lectures, as he traces empathy to its natural roots in attachment, feelings and development, then join Neufeld faculty Michele Maurer and Heather Ferguson in live online classes where you can ask your questions and dive more deeply into Dr. Neufeld’s constructs around empathy. Register now to to receive our 10% early bird discount.