Yes, I’m all for shyness; most certainly not against it. While I’m declaring my biases, let me also lay bare my personal involvement in this matter. I consider myself shy – always have been and assume I always will be – so the cynical could well dismiss my thinking as an indulgence in self-defense. I am theoretically arrogant enough however, to believe that I am also right. I’m sure the participants in the upcoming online lecture will form their own opinions as to the sense that this analysis will make of shyness and its doppelgangers.
The more I have immersed myself into the material in preparation for this online lecture, the more concerned I have become over the current state of understanding about shyness and the implications of this ignorance for parents and children, never mind teachers and students. The syndrome of social anxiety has become the ‘disorder du jour’, with shyness being indiscriminately thrown into this diagnostic grab bag.
I am concerned that everyday people are losing their common sense, as both of the prevailing approaches of experts – learning theory and the medical disorder approach – flood the internet and feed the artificial intelligence machines with their well-meant but ill-informed propaganda. The experts from these paradigms have ganged up on shyness, considering it either a social disease or on the slippery slope to mental illness. There is some urgency therefore to my attempt at a rebuttal as our children increasingly become the victims of this mentality.
The problem is partially a linguistic one as our dictionaries have become ever more peer oriented and thus blinded to historical insights. Shyness was traditionally understood as ‘reserved for one’s people’ which is an excellent starting point for viewing the dynamic through the lens of attachment. Devoid of this understanding however, both social anxiety and shyness have suffered from a rather murky linguistic drift over the years, to where the current definitions have fused around being ‘nervous around people’.
The meanings of shyness and shame have also merged around the behavioural manifestation of ‘shrinking from contact or exposure’. Any discussion or study of these dynamics suffers greatly from the fact that the enormity of the etymological confusion has completely eclipsed any etiological understanding whatsoever. It now seems to be a matter of the blind leading the blind. Artificial intelligence only exacerbates this blindness as it is the ultimate phenomenon of information flat-lining caused by peer orientation.
This linguistic confusion has undoubtedly resulted in shyness being one of the most misunderstood dynamics of today, right up there with counterwill. I don’t know what is worse: being blinded to the fact that we are naturally allergic to coercion simply because we have no name for the phenomenon, or being blinded to the fact that creatures of attachment are reserved for their people because the historical name for this dynamic – shyness – has been dragged through the conceptual mud. Both of these omissions remain major blights on the very social science that is supposed to be bringing understanding.
I must admit that my theoretical arrogance is being fueled by today’s ignorance. It is also hard to remain humble as a theorist when I am so mad at what is happening today. The idea of shyness needing to be nipped in the bud is so pervasive today that it has parents rushing to socialize their children before there is any developmental readiness to do so, and thereby unwittingly fulfilling the very prophecy the mental health pundits are making, that shyness unchecked can lead to mental illness.
To rescue our children from being inappropriately diagnosed with mental illness, we will need to rehabilitate the construct of shyness linguistically and increase our confidence conceptually, especially regarding what Nature had in mind by making us shy, and how to keep shyness from being infected with alarm. This will be the primary objective of my talk.
Among other things, what I hope to share in this online lecture is some understanding of why and how the eclipse of shyness has taken place. I will present a diagram of the attachment drive in reverse that helps clarify what Nature is up to with these different dynamics of social avoidance. I will also discuss the three culprit experiences that turn shyness into social anxiety, and how best to prevent this from happening.
I will be sharing how feelings are actually the answer to shyness, not its nemesis as is commonly thought. By feelings being the answer, I do not mean that feelings will make shyness go away; that would not even be desirable from a developmental point of view. But feeling one’s shyness will set one on a path that will reduce its restrictedness and protect it from deteriorating into debilitating social anxiety. It will also protect against the more degenerating forms of attachment polarization that are truly a threat to civilized society: discrimination, racism, hostility, loathing, contempt and tribalization. Feelings will also prepare the way to venture forth into unfamiliar territory where the heart and mind are engaged. So we need to be careful not to try to save a child from their shyness or to yearn too much for them not to be shy.
Shyness has ignorantly been referred to as people phobia. Ironically and certainly paradoxically, today’s society has become shy phobic. We’re not likely to arrest this toxic discrimination, but we can change the way we dance with our own shyness as well as with the shyness in our children. In fact, embracing shyness as normal and even preferable, may be the best way we can save our shy children from becoming needlessly misdiagnosed by the mental health experts of today and tomorrow.
I may be preaching largely to a self-selected choir in this lecture, but I believe parents and teachers need all the help they can get to swim against a stream of a society that has turned against shyness. So if I can shore up confidence with some conceptual underpinnings, it may be worth the while.
The material I have for this lecture could well fill a book, so added to the immense frustration I have with what is going on in today’s society, I will also be frustrated with what I can’t afford to say for the sake of time and to not lose the proverbial forest for the trees. I apologize for this ahead of time, as well as for any rants that may erupt from the frustration that has not yet found its tears.
Shyness is a gift from Nature. Long live shyness!
Editor’s note: If shyness is a subject close to your heart and you’re eager to learn more, don’t miss Dr. Neufeld’s upcoming online lecture on June 5th, 2025, exploring the important differences between shyness, shame, and social anxiety. Tickets are $35 and recording access is included. Please visit our new learning platform for full details and registration: https://discover.neufeldinstitute.org