Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

This book is about the pivotal importance of children’s relationships to those responsible for them and the devastating impact in today’s society of competing attachments with peers. However it is much more than a book on peer orientation: it is about parenting with relationship in mind. This book restores parents to their natural intuition, confronting such relationship-devastating devices as time-outs and using what children care about against them.

Offering effective strategies for preserving and restoring the child-to-parent relationship, this book provides refreshing natural alternatives to today’s contrived methods of behaviour control. The content is relevant to parents of children of any age, from infants right through to adult children. Readers have commonly commented on how much hardship and confusion they could have avoided had this material been available to them right from the beginning.

When the original edition was released in 2004, it was just before the emergence of Facebook and other social media. In retrospect, the book amply foreshadowed, but could not fully have pictured, the impact of the digital revolution that followed. The book was re-released in 2013 with additional chapters on raising children in a digital world.

This bestselling book is now available in numerous languages including French, Spanish, Italian, German, Russian, Hungarian, Dutch, Portuguese (both Portugal and Brazil versions), Hebrew, Swedish, Norwegian, Japanese, and Korean. Lithuanian and Polish translations are forthcoming.

English Editions

released 2013Third Edition

When the original edition was released in 2004, it was just before the emergence of Facebook and other social media. In retrospect, the book amply foreshadowed, but could not fully have pictured, the impact of the digital revolution that followed. In fact, is is impossible to make sense of the shape of the digital universe without a working knowledge of the constructs of attachment and peer orientation that are the subject of the book. With this in mind, the book was re-released in 2013 with two additional chapters on raising children in a digital world.

In Canada, the publisher is Vintage Canada and is available in most major Canadian bookstores. It can be purchased through amazon.ca. The ISBN is 0676974724. The book is 332 pages in length.

In the United States, the publisher is Ballantine Books (a division of Random House) of New York. The paperback is available, or can be ordered, in most major bookstores in the United States and on the internet through amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com. ISBN: 037550821X

Second Edition

The objective of the second edition was to create a shorter manuscript that was more accessible to the general readership. According to reader response, this goal was successfully accomplished. This second edition is two chapters and some 20,000 words less and has been reorganized so that the reader does not have to wait so long to get to the how to parts. This is the edition that has been translated into most of the other languages. The second edition was only ever available in paperback.

It is this second edition that has been translated into most of the other languages including French, German, Spanish, Italian, Korean, Swedish, Norwegian, Hebrew, Russian, Japanese, Hungarian and Portuguese (both Brazilian and Portugal versions)

out of print, available usedFirst Edition

Despite the advantages of the second edition, the first edition has a commiNed following of readers who prefer to get the full gist of Dr. Neufeld's logical arguments and the full enjoyment of Dr. Mate's eloquent writing style. Unfortunately this edition is now out of print but used books are available through the internet. ISBN:0676974716.

The original edition is published by Knopf Canada in hardcover under the title: Hold On To Your Kids: why parents matter. This edition was never published in the United States.


DutchLaat je kind niet los!
GermanUnsere Kinder brauchen uns: Die entscheidende Bedeutung der Kind-Eltern-Bindung
Hebrewאיחזו בילדכם
SpanishRegreso al Vínculo Familiar
RussianНЕ УПУСКАЙТЕ СВОИХ ДЕТЕЙ. Почему родители должны быть важнее, чем ровесники
SwedishVåga ta plats i ditt barns liv
HungarianA család ereje
ItalianI vostri figli hanno bisogno di voi: Perché i genitori oggi contano più che mai
Korean아이의 손을 놓지 마라
NorwegianVær til stede i ditt barns liv
Portuguese (Brazilian)Pais Ocupados, Filhos Distantes

Reviews & Testimonials

…meticulous exploration of the problem… numerous solutions for reestablishing a caring adult hierarchy. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada.

Publishers Weekly (starred review)

…visionary book that goes beyond the usual explanations to illuminate a crisis of unrecognized proportions.

Peter A. Levine Ph.D., International teacher and author of the best selling books: Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma and It Won’t Hurt Forever, Guiding Your Child through Trauma

The thoughts and perspectives presented by the authors are informative — even inspirational — for those who choose to dedicate their lives and energy to students.

Bulletin of the National Association of Secondary School Principals

With original insights on parent-child attachments and how parents can restore them, this is a book for revitalizing families and rekindling the song in their children’s hearts.

Raffi, children’s troubadour, founder of Child Honoring Society Institute

His approach has the power to change, if not save, the lives of our children.

National Post

Rare and refreshing. . . . Here you will find family stories, an accessible description of brain development and sound information. You will also find hope.

The Globe and Mail

The authors present doable strategies to help parents help their kids. If their advice is taken to heart, there’s hope there will be more warmth and security all round.

The Georgia Straight

Your book has transformed my life and my parenting. The most incredible thing is that once I started following your suggestions, my daughter’s behaviour changed almost immediately. I am so convinced of the soundness and naturalness of your ideas that I have sent information about the book to all of my friends and family members – not just parents, but also teachers and people who have children in their lives generally.

A wonderful book and a powerful wakeup call to parents.

The Mall

This book represents a great step forward in grasping the sorrow and suffering that our kids are experiencing. Gordon Neufeld locates this suffering in the child’s loss of attachment to parents and increasing preoccupation with peers. Neufeld’s mind is powerful, capable of understanding the disastrous direction in which our culture is going. This is a brilliant book on the level of Paul Goodman’s Growing Up Absurd. Give a copy of this book to every parent you know.

Robert Bly, poet and author of The Sibling Society and Iron John

I thoroughly enjoyed your book on holding onto your kids. I have never read a more informative book on parenting ever. As a child who did not connect with my parents I was passing this legacy onto my children with little success of reaching my six year old daughter. She was well on her way to the eyeball rolling attitude you describe in your book. Lately I have implemented some of your techniques and have met with great results. I feel your book is ahead of its time and have recommended it for Dr. Laura’s “reading corner” online. I really hope you’ll write more books and enlighten parents in the future. Thank you!!!

I am weeping with relief, feeling truly understood for the first time in 60 years. I feel like I think Helen Keller may have felt when she suddenly had language to articulate her inner life. I can feel a lifetime logjam of anger and frustration loosening and letting go. Thank you.

As important as are Dr. Neufeld’s insights into how peers can replace parents, even more valuable is the comprehensive framework for understanding psychological/emotional development that he outlines. These insights alone were more than worth the price of the book and truly answer why parents matter. This book is more comprehensive and more in-depth than any other I’ve ever read.

As a counselor, parenting coach and mother of four, I was reading it from both a professional and personal perspective and found it hit home in many areas. It’s one of the best books on parenthood that I have read in a long time.

Your work has been of enormous benefit to all of us who have children or who work with kids in schools, etc. The biggest change may be in having HOPE that eroded relationships can be rebuilt, or that tentative relationships with our kids can be strengthened in enduring ways.

Table of Contents

This is the outline for the third edition of the book (released in 2013). It is the same as the second edition except for the addition of Part Six on raising children in the digital age.



The Phenomenon of Peer Orientation
1 — Why Parents Matter More Than Ever
2 — Skewed Attachments, Subverted Instincts
3 — Why We’ve Come Undone


Sabotaged: How Peer Orientation Undermines Parenting
4 — The Power to Parent Is Slipping Away
5 — From Help Turned to Hinderance: When Attachment Works Against Us
6 — Counterwill: Why Children Become Disobedient
7 — The Flatlining of Culture


Stuck in Immaturity: How Peer Orientation Stunts Heathy Development
8 — The Dangerous Flight from Feeling
9 — Stuck in Immaturity
10 — A Legacy of Aggression
11 — The Making of Bullies and Victims
12 — A Sexual Turn
13 — Unteachable Students


How to Hold On to Our Kids (or How to Reclaim Them)
14 — Collecting Our Children
15 — Preserve the Ties That Empower
16 — Discipline That Does Not Divide


Preventing Peer Orientation
17 — Don’t Court the Competition
18 — Re-create the Attachment Village


A Postscript for the Digital Age
19 — The Digital Revolution Bent Out of Shape
20 — A Matter of Timing




To download Chapter One of the second edition (the Canadian paperback and American publications), click here. We hope it will give you enough of the feel and content of the book that you will be able to judge whether it is worth your time and energy to read. Of course, we hope that this excerpt will whet your appetite for more. The full edition should be at a bookstore near you.